“I tell ya, I’m alright now but last week I was in rough shape, ya know. My wife, she put me on a grapefruit diet. Seven days, I had 10 grapefruits a day. Ended up I lost 4 pounds, got a citrus rash.” | Rodney Dangerfield

546K views · 14K reactions | “I tell ya, with my wife there’s always something. Like the other night, she said to me, ‘When’s the last time you thought about taking me out to dinner?’ I told her, ‘It was right after the last meal you cooked at home.’” | Rodney Dangerfield | Facebook

252K views · 14K reactions | “My wife’s father, he moved in with us. Has an electronic pacemaker. Every time he sneezes, the garage door opens.” | Rodney Dangerfield | Facebook